I will never have the courage to say this, but maybe in some spur of the moment feeling that I do get to say this, I hope I can have the courage to walk away
I hope you have the courage to take the leap of faith you ever so avoided in your nightmares. Because underneath that dark and grimy chasm is failure and rejection and recklessness and constant nagging in your head, ‘why didn’t you jump higher?’
I hope you have the courage to curse upon the stars the night you felt invincible. How your erratic heart beats among your chest because you poured a 2 am coffee when you were cramming a paper or two. When bright light emits across your room not from the artificial brightness of your laptop, but from the constellations you always seem to get the names wrong.
Orion, Big Dipper, Ursa Major; it gave you a sense of direction and invincibility and you jumped. Jumped through walls, jumped through buildings, jumped to the highest peak of the mountain, you jumped through conclusions but then, then comes the sun. Then comes the sunlight from the sunrise that emits across your room and reality wakes you up. You wipe the drool that dribbled down your chin, you get out of bed and you go along your day. You sit at the morning table and you tell yourself, you can’t possibly read and interpret your destiny by looking at the horizon. You can’t align your heart alongside the stars and planets that’s galaxies away from you. Stars that shines brightly on earth but dying millions of light years from now.
I hope you have the courage to finally understand that it wasn’t you that they chose. Because it doesn’t matter how many trails you’ll walk, or how many gifts you give or how many pictures you’ve had, even if you’ve constantly thought that you’ll somehow beat reality in a fist fight. You wouldn’t exactly numb the pain once reality punches you in the gut, and you lose your consciousness. And as the crowd gathers around your unconscious body, they ask ‘are you okay?’ But you know, you know in their nosy little heads that they’re thinking, ‘there can’t be the two of you’, ‘there will never be the two of you’.
I hope you don’t walk on your knees, through the desert, repenting because you blamed it on timing.
I will never have the courage to say this, but maybe in some spur of the moment feeling that I do get to say this,
I hope you have the courage to forgive the stars on the nights you’ve gazed upon them when not one help came along your way.
I hope you have the courage to take the leap of faith you ever so avoided in your dreams. Because you would learn how to swim the crystal clear water of chance and the conch shell of opportunity is grazing along your leg reminding you, ‘take a risk’.
I hope you have the courage to finally open your heart once again. Because even if you tried gambling and lost thrice, I think it’s time to stop putting your heart on the line. Because it’s not the timing per se, it’s how much courage you still have.
And maybe in some spur of the moment feeling that I do get to say this, I hope I can have the courage to ‘walk away’.